Into the Fire

3 weeks ago, the doctors discovered a new tumor in my spine. The others we thought we are bay, we not. It seems the cancer party has expanded beyond our hopes, dreams. In fact the tumor in the pubic bone is so big they cannot believe I haven’t cracked. God is supernaturally holding me together.

The news didn’t hurt this time. What crushed me was what happened to our boys when they found out. The timing couldn’t have been worse. Two were in the middle of finals. Our youngest, Trent, at Stonehill, freshman year, scholarships, tennis. Our middle son, Chase a senior at Elon.  They both starred at their college finals. A failing grade for our senior meant no graduation, our freshman academic probation, scholarships in jeopardy. When Chase called with unimaginable pain and despair in his voice,  the tsunami of tears burst forth

Christian cross against the sky in a blaze of glory. Religious symbol of Christianity

Cancer steals so much. I could take my own dreams being put on hold, but my kids, impossible.

I went to church and crumbled. I couldn’t sing, worship. Snot poured down my nose, I was that broken. A friend came down, put her arm around me an pushed a tissue into my hand. The smallest gesture and yet so powerful. After the service, people surrounded me and lifted me in prayer. A sliver of hope snuck in.

The teachers at Elon gave Chase grace. He has time to make things right. Our whole family met in North Carolina. Joy filled me as we watched Chase walk.  When they said, “hold your applause to the end”, I couldn’t. I stood up, 4 days into radiation, and cheered for my boy, for Gods provision and the professors mercy. Anything is possible. We are still working things out for Trent. Leaning on God and trusting. One of his professor was so unkind, it boggles my mind. Without any compassion or any ability to listen to Trent’s story, he told him that he wasn’t ready for college and that he should have his parents pick him up and take him back to Vermont because he was going no where. My stomach clenches as I write this. The kickboxing mother bear wants to drive down and show him a few moves.  How is it possible in this day in age, with depression, suicide and anxiety the highest it has ever been amongst our young adults, to have a professor like that?  He doesn’t deserve to have his position. Perhaps we are experiencing this trial so that we can make a difference, so that no other child needs to hear those deplorable lies.

Remember that we are here to leave a legacy of love. We are here to rise above our circumstances and shine for Gods glory. I am 9 days into radiation. It’s taking it’s toll. Yesterday I woke up nauseated unable to get out of bed. The room was spinning; the last time that happened was in college after drinking the famous 5 shot Rasputin cream cycle.  And yet, I have hope. The pain in my pubic bone is lessoning and my journey is making a difference. A few days ago,  another man in radiation told me that I had changed his life, given him hope once more. Every day I try to make a difference. I try to speak words of life to others. It’s the gift we each have to freely give. Time is fleeting.  The world needs our light. Go out and shine brightly.

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