Beauty from Ashes

Beauty from Ashes

In the midst of the whirling winds we must have the courage to open our eyes. It is then that we will see the beauty rising from the ashes.

Oasis of Hope prepared us for this month, informing us of the intense pain we would endure as the cancer vaccine goes into overdrive. Still I am not quite sure you are ever prepared for this kind of pain. Like having a baby, you can hear all about it, take Lamaze classes and when the rubber hits the road, Lamaze goes out the window, all your senses are awakened and you know.

Two days ago I yelled “Jesus Help” as wave after wave of pain shook me. Every breath was racked with agony. I hugged my knees and rocked. In these suffering moments in the wee hours of darkness when the world is asleep and I am awake, I want to leave this world and run into the arms of Jesus. I wonder why I am fighting so hard and then I remember our boys and Gods calling on my life. And I am filled with a dogged desire to fight once again. Then waves of memories of other precious moments in the wee hours of the morning wash over me when instead of crying, “Help” I was compelled to praise Jesus. Holding a smiling baby at my breast when it was just the two of us, hiking up mountains with my family at 1 or 2 am to gasp at a glorious sunrise or lying on the warm pavement on a hot summer night watching shooting stars. How different the wee hours of the morning can be based on your circumstance. Still no matter the pain, no matter the pleasure, no matter the wonder about God’s good plan; we must keep our eyes on Jesus.

The greater the challenge, the more I cling to my Lord and Savior. The depth of our relationship over so many years is unbreakable. Jesus has seen me through the wee hours of the morning and He will see you through too. In fact, He will see you through it all.

Miracles are happening. The cancer vaccine along with all the supplements, love, support, prayers, gifts, cards, blessings and so much more is curing me.

Before I left for Mexico to begin the alternative treatment, there was a tumor in the left clavicle. It was growing rapidly and I could feel the bone deteriorating. There was a large indentation leaving just a wisp of bone. One little tweak and it would surely break. I asked God to heal it because I was too weak to endure surgery. Praise God, the clavicle is entirely filled in. The same thing happened in the femur and the humorous. I no longer have shooting pains in my pubic bone. The iliac crest on both hips was so painful that the fabric of my shorts hurt. Now you can at least touch my hips. The spine was so fragile, we were afraid of paralysis. Yet I can walk, albeit with the cane I tried to get rid of. It humbles me. Keeps me in prayer.

In all my humanness, I wish I were farther along. I wish I could swim, bike, kayak, run, get on the floating raft, sit and eat without pain. So many things I long for. I don’t like laying down day after day but this is where God has me. I am trying to rejoice. It takes work, lots of work. Still I am beginning to see the richness in all of it. I notice life in abundance in the trees that I stare at each day. Birds flying to and fro singing their beautiful songs, moths and butterflies in magnificent colors stretching their delicate wings, spiders weaving works of art, dew shimmering rainbows to all corners or the world, squirrels collecting nuts, hummingbirds clucking, sun beams breaking through, clouds forming hearts and crosses and so much more. I never noticed these things like I do now. Creation is alive with Gods glory.

When was the last time your broke away from you busy life to sit still and simply be?

This quiet season has also given me time to begin to write my next book “Standing in Love”. When I write, I feel God working through my fingers. It is not me but Him who gets the glory. I marvel that He picked a dyslexic sinner like me to write and speak and bless and help shine His light into the world that hungers for love and truth. God’s calling on your life is a gift beyond measure.

I’ve come so far from that shame filled girl who nearly killed herself  believing Satan’s lies. God didn’t let Satan finish me off then and He won’t let Satan finish me off now.

God has us in the palm of His hands.

You are greatly loved. You are His masterpiece. You are vital to His great Kingdom plan. Whatever you are facing, there are blessings. When things get rough, turn to God. Time alone with Jesus is refreshing, life giving. Prayer is powerful. It moves mountains.

I wouldn’t have survived this long without your love, prayers and time with God. My gratitude bucket overflows.

Facing death has a way of tapping into the preciousness of life. The conversations with our boys, family and friends are rarely trivial anymore. We have ripped our hearts wipe open, dared to be vulnerable and in doing so deepened our love for one another.

Hardship springs wells of new life. It’s a beautiful thing. You learn so much in your trials. Don’t shy away. Look and see. Beauty is surely rising from the ashes.

Beauty after the storm

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